Stillness

 It's like holding one's breath 

With no plan in sight, to exhale

I step out of my body

For a little fresh air

But my nostrils cannot smell the fragrance.

Happiness is good

Even if you are not the happy one

I attempt a smile

My lips curve up, I flash my teeth 

But my eyes don't share the mood 

My body is limp in the water

I feel weightless, relaxed

I clock my workout, sip from my bottle

Time to go, I'm feeling light

But the water weighs me down, as I heave myself out

 My breath is short, sharp and laboured

Nothing moves around me

I shake the leg that fell asleep

And try to silence the ringing in my ears

But stillness continues to shake, uncontrollably.

I think I hear the birds chirping

There is urgency in their call

I instinctively reach out to help

They cannot see me, I'm invisible

But I can feel the wind on my face, I'm still alive, I think.

Gossip - not so idle

 When you wrong me

So Nonchalantly
Without a break in your step
And yet somehow I have no right to feel bad

When you judge my way of life
So Mercilessly
Without a thought about your own
And yet somehow I have no right to call you out

When you throw mine under the bus
So Callously
Without a thought about how I always protect yours
And yet somehow I have no right to demand respect

When you manipulate the narrative
So selfishly
Without a thought about the damage it would do
And yet somehow I have no right to even expect the truth

When you become the victim
So effortlessly
Without a thought about how you started the fire in the first place
And yet somehow I have no right to even raise an eyebrow

When you don't care enough
So evidently
Without a thought about how much you have sponged my affection over time
And yet somehow I have no right, even to be silent

When you ensure that all relations snap
So conveniently
Because  if I speak up your beautiful bubble will burst
And yet somehow you feel confident that I won't.

You know me better than I ever did you.
I was your sounding board
I was always on your side
Your willing servant, your armour when it suited you

And that was all I was
It was my fault to think
That in all that I did, so happily
I actually mattered.

Why does this affect me so much?

Silence

Respond, don't react, I thought

When words can no longer

be trusted and are 

so easily twisted

Silence would be the dignified response

I thought

But silence can also be misconstrued

Apparently

I might as well have expressed

My angst, my sorrow.

Is respect due, only to those older

Are the feelings of the younger

Insignificant, irrelevant and easily dismissable

Maybe I should have reacted 

But there are so many delicate relationships

Hanging in the balance

I take a step back each time

Secrets are exhausting

Frankness has repercussions

Especially when habits have been formed

Over years and years of misinformation

Should I break out of the loop

Am I willing to pay the price?

Am I the only one? 

So much noise inside my head

This silence is getting deafening

I care too much to not care.

Do you?