A paradox. 12 June2017

When the rain cries
And the sun smiles,
Colours break free.
And I step out
In quest of the
Pot of gold
Does it exist?
A paradox

I am a leaf. 30Sep2017

I am a leaf
I was green although
I may seem yellow now
I felt the sunshine on my face
I feel it bore a hole in me now
I chose not to wither
I fell anyway
I may sound like the crackle beneath your feet but
I will not be trampled upon
I choose to fly with the wind

Silence screams. 29Jan2018

All I  can say is that I know
What I need to know 

is what to say
now that I know
I don't know what to say
And between knowing and not saying
My life went by...
Without doing anything about what I know
And could not say

Just be normal. 7 May 2018

Storm in. Storm out.
What is with you?
Can't you come in normally
And leave without a fuss
Must you leave a trail
Of destruction and dejection
Behind you, because of you?
Was there a calm before you came?
Will there be one when you leave?
Does it matter?

You can count on me

I want to tell you with all sincerity
If you ever, need to share anything with me, anything at all, at any time, I'm there for you. You can trust me.

If you feel down and out and need to cry, my shoulder is there for you.
You can count on me.

If you need to vent what you're feeling, be it frustration, anger at anyone, even if it's me, you can offload onto me. I volunteer.
You can talk to me.

If you're hurting about something and you need  some space, I'll wait outside till you let me in. I'll help you get through the pain.
You can bank on me.

You may not need me today and I hope you never do. But if you do, ever at all, or everyday, I will find time for you.
You matter to me.

I pray that you are always happy and the smile that makes others happy never fades. But if it does curve down,  I'll do my bit to flip it back up.
Do know I will.

Keep this, somewhere, so you remember.
You may have many, just saying this is me.
I come with no conditions.
And expect nothing.
I'm here to relieve pressure
Not apply any.

You made me a friend.
I have no frills.

Why wait. . 29 May 2018

Obituaries for the dead need to be replaced by odes to the living.
If we knew what people would say when we died, we might just decide it is worth living.
In this day and age of instant communication, where every human being projects an image, an emotion, a thought, an idea, to people at large, we find that we are able to communicate with a large number of people but unable to communicate with the people that matter most in our lives on a one to one basis. Even while together, we are not together because we are busy communicating with so many others. Life decisions are, however taken with only a few. There are only a few who can affect you or get affected by you. Have we lost focus in our relationships, especially in those that matter or those that have the power to affect us or even be affected by us. We cannot choose to be born but we are increasingly choosing to die. Why do we give so much importance to the here and now, when our journey is much longer. What give us the right to take a life, even if it is our own?
And if it is the here and now that must affect us, then let it impact us positively. Let us remember the good and stop dwelling on the bad. Let us appreciate the small things that makes us happy and do small things that make others around us happy.. Listen more, talk more, understand the most.
We lost one of the finest in UP police today. He shot himself with his service weapon. It is so sad he had nobody to share with, about what he might have been going through...
The beautiful words being spoken about him now by everyone.... Had they told him when he was alive, he might have felt better about his situation and self worth....
I repeat..
I feel more than *obituaries to the dead*, we should shift focus to *odes to the living*
Focus on what is great about someone and appreciate that instead of dwelling on what is bad.
It might save lives.
So much to learn
😔


I want to tell you with all


Obituaries for the dead need to be replaced by odes to the living.
If we knew what people would say when we died, we might just decide it is worth living.
In this day and age of instant communication, where every human being projects an image, an emotion, a thought, an idea, to people at large, we find that we are able to communicate with a large number of people but unable to communicate with the people that matter most in our lives on a one to one basis. Even while together, we are not together because we are busy communicating with so many others. Life decisions are, however taken with only a few. There are only a few who can affect you or get affected by you. Have we lost focus in our relationships, especially in those that matter or those that have the power to affect us or even be affected by us. We cannot choose to be born but we are increasingly choosing to die. Why do we give so much importance to the here and now, when our journey is much longer. What give us the right to take a life, even if it is our own?
And if it is the here and now that must affect us, then let it impact us positively. Let us remember the good and stop dwelling on the bad. Let us appreciate the small things that makes us happy and do small things that make others around us happy.. Listen more, talk more, understand the most.
We lost one of the finest in UP police today. He shot himself with his service weapon. It is so sad he had nobody to share with, about what he might have been going through...
The beautiful words being spoken about him now by everyone.... Had they told him when he was alive, he might have felt better about his situation and self worth....
I repeat..
I feel more than *obituaries to the dead*, we should shift focus to *odes to the living*
Focus on what is great about someone and appreciate that instead of dwelling on what is bad.
It might save lives.
So much to learn
😔

The passing of Madhukar. 8Jan2019

I am still in shock.
When one feels as bereaved as the next person, then who can comfort whom. There are no words that can actually describe the persona that was Madhukar or even attempt to articulate the grief that his passing has caused.
When words fail, tears help.
But when one thinks of Madhukar watching from above with that peaceful expression on his face, one feels that tears are also so trivial. He was far above words and tears.
I know that if he knew that he would cause so much grief when he died, he would have done everything in his power to live on.
So I am going to try and celebrate his life instead.
Madhukar Shetty was my probationer. I say this with a sense of immense pride. I met him 4 months ago when he invited me to take some sessions with participants of a course he was coordinating. I have taken many sessions in NPA earlier but the fact that Madhukar found me worthy of teaching his course gave me a sense of satisfaction like no other. It was validation to say the least. After his beautiful introduction, I also reintroduced him to his own course. I thought the officers should know what an inspiring course coordinator they had.
Madhukar was one of my fittest and finest probationers. His shy smile and kind eyes endeared him to one and all. He rarely spoke but when he did, everyone stopped and listened. His questions were soul searching, his conviction was rock solid, his sense of rvice was completely selfless and his sense of fairnesswas unquestionable.  An epitome of dignity, clarity of thought, integrity and maturity, inspiring, to say the least, Madhukar was an evolved soul.
I will miss him always. I used to often relate stories of his high moral and ethical standards in my classes with probationers as well as senior courses. I remember how he walked up to the track judges after they had adjudged his Squad 3 relay team the winners in the Annual Athletic Meet at NPA and told them they had made a mistake and that he could clearly see that the other competitor has tipped the tape before he did and so was the rightful winner. 20 points given without batting an eyelid. His sense of right and wrong was absolute. He never had an ethical dilemma.
Madhukar Shetty made his father, family, friends, colleagues and service proud.  I'm sure he's watching and smiling from above. I think he had only this much left to live in this never ending cycle of life and death. It is not the years in your life but the life in your years that counts. It's as though he knew he had only this much time and he decided to be the benchmark that he thought the Indian Police Service should attain.
 I hear that a village was named after him, that the police training college will be named after him and many more such awe inspiring stories keep trickling in. But I do know one thing that he would never like and I hope that NPA will honour his wishes and NOT name a trophy after him. Madhukar was very sad one day and came to me talk about how he felt that trophies should be done away with in NPA as it caused only negativity and a sense of unhealthy competition that shifts focus from the spirit of service and teamwork to individualism and selfishness. It pained him greatly. I would not want his memory to be trivialised such.
The spirit of Madhukar cannot die. It will live on, in the deeds of all those who he has touched in his meaningful life, in the words of all those whom he has inspired and in the thoughts of all those who loved him for what he was as also what he wasn't.
Anna you will always stand tall.
Suvarna, Saamya he's there somewhere, watching over you, concerned, wanting you to be strong, wanting you to smile..
My words fail me once again, let the tears take over....

An officer and a lady... musings on my journey

An Officer and A Lady – Musings on my journey

My father was in the Army. I was fascinated by his uniform and by all the shining brass that adorned it. As all children do, I wore his beret as a child to see how I looked in it. I remember the sense of pride I felt, even then.

Two decades later when all my friends in college were applying for the IIM common admission test, I enrolled for an MA instead and waited till I was 21 so that I could give the UPSC exam and salute the same flag that my father did, albeit in another colour of uniform. Clichéd, but true. My parents unquestioningly supported me at every step. Not knowing how tough the exam was supposed to be and not being in the hub where civil services aspirants struggle together on a daily basis, helped greatly. Ignorance is bliss and I was spared the pressure that colleges in Delhi put on Civil services as a mission to accomplish or perish. Bombay, then, was more about Chartered accountants and MBAs. I was considered quite an abnormality for wanting a ‘sarkari’ bureaucrat’s life. I saw it differently though and plodded on, regardless. Holed in a very small room with a tin roof in the heat of Hyderabad’s summer, I was grateful for the Parasuram family I was staying with. They took care of me and left me to my studies. I emerged periodically from my room and was promptly rewarded with lip smacking food. God’s grace, Parasuram aunty, Rau’s IAS Study Circle, Mr. Panduranga Reddy, my history tutor at the Study Circle and hardwork, in that order, paid off and I got through. I was allotted the Indian Police Service and a few months later while I was undergoing my Foundation course in LBSNAA Mussoorie, Bhaskar tailor came with his team from the National Police Academy to take measurements for stitching my uniform. A dream was about to come true.

My training period was one of the best phases of my life and gave me the knowledge, skills and the attitudes to excel at my trade. I got allotted the Uttar Pradesh cadre and was soon made ready by the Academy for taking on the world. Being a police officer and a lady to boot has its advantages and disadvantages. I was an IPS officer in the state of Uttar Pradesh with very few lady officers before me. And so, in my initial years, I had visitors who came only to see me, their complaints and grievances being purely incidental. Men who had grievances nudged their women forward while talking to me while the women stood tongue tied and shy in front of me, just happy to see one of their own kind in khaki. My own emotions were mixed. While I realized that this kind of adulation and speculation was inevitable when women in uniform were still a minority and therefore to be viewed as oddities, it caused me immense annoyance as I saw myself not as a woman with privileges but purely as an Indian Police Service Officer having trained on par with my male colleagues. There are many firsts when you are a rarity and yes, a lot of publicity. When I walked, they said I ran and when I ran, they saw me on horseback. I was fortunate to have a sporting background and played almost every game in school and college. I had national records in hurdles and pentathlon, 6 national medals and over 200 other medals over my 7-year athletics career. I was the state schools runner up in table-tennis and played active squash and badminton, in addition to basketball and volleyball. I could finish a game of carrom in two chances and my athletics coach was convinced that I had fallen into a cauldron of calcium as a child. In other words, I was cut out to be a police officer, right from the word go. Public perception is, however, based on each person's socialisation process. Therefore, earning the respect of the ones you serve and the ones you command, both take time. Commanding the Republic Day parade in my district, turning up at every heinous scene of crime when nobody insisted that I do and working all hours of the night, helped. Sometimes a lady officer has to run very fast to remain at the same place. But things fall into place and in time, I found that I could be what came naturally to me and yet gain respect. I did not need to walk, talk and act like a man to gain acceptance in the Force.

Six questions that people never failed to ask.

1.    Why did you join the IPS?

2.    Were you inspired by Kiran Bedi?

3.    Have you seen Udaan?

4.    Is your husband also in the police?

5.    How do you balance your work and life?

6.    Do you manage time for your children?

Six questions I am sure my male colleagues were not asked.

1.    Why did you join the IPS?

2.    Were you inspired by KPS Gill?

3.    Have you seen Singham?

4.    Is your wife also in the police?

5.    How do you balance your work and life?

6.    Do you manage time for your children?

To put things in perspective:-

·      The Indian Police Service got its first lady officer in 1972.

·      The Indian Army started recruiting women officers in the year 1992.

·      Sashastra Seema Bal was the first border guarding force to deploy women personnel on the border in 2008 and was the first Central Armed Police Force to be headed by a lady IPS officer of 1980 batch, in 2016.

·      There are over 950 women IPS officers today out of a total of over 4000 IPS officers. These officers have joined IPS of their own volition and on their own merit. There is no reservation for women in the IPS and there should not be.

·      On the other hand women were a part of the Naxalbari uprising in the sixties and form almost 45% of the Naxal cadre today.

While the stories of women at work will continue to invite attention due to their sheer lack of requisite numbers, allusions to superhuman acts and goddesslike qualities come from a basic lack of expectation and an inherent disbelief in their capabilities. There is a protectiveness that is visible when decisions on whether or not to accept women into combat roles are mulled over again and again. A question like ‘Will they be able to perform in a male dominated profession? Are they even required?’ stems out of a feeling of physical and intellectual superiority. Most organizational decision making groups then proceed to define roles that they feel might be suitable to women. Are all men intellectually superior to women? Are all women physically weaker than men? Definitely not. But popular perceptions are based on stereotyping. It is complicated but also true that gender stereotyping has restricted mainstreaming and thereby affected development adversely. Quality takes a back seat in these situations.

         After working for 9 years in the state of Uttar Pradesh in various districts and various capacities ranging from crime control, law and order in district policing to heading armed battalions, intelligence, vigilance, headquarters, etc  I proceeded on central deputation to the Govt of India and joined the SVP National Police Academy, Hyderabad as an Assistant Director. I was part of a team of officers who introduced integrated method of teaching and modular training for IPS probationers, which continues to this day. I had also prepared a module for gender sensitization of police officers for the National Commission for Women. After over five years in the Academy which also included a stint for a year at the UN Mission in Kosovo as a Civilian Police Officer, I joined the Sashastra Seema Bal, a border guarding force on the open borders with Nepal and Bhutan. I was heading recruitment initially and raised 20 battalions in 2 years using transparent e-recruitment software, a first for any paramilitary force at the time. I went on to head the SSB Academy at Gwaldam where specialized courses of counter insurgency and jungle warfare and mountaineering courses were held. Gwaldam was another milestone in my career as it gave me an opportunity to breathe life into an institution that had almost perished due to neglect and low morale.

On my return to UP, I, as part of the National Police Mission conceptualized and piloted the first recruitment of over 35000 constables using transparent recruitment process. It was called Project TRP and became the model for implementation all over the country. The then Home Minister, Shri P Chidambaram mandated that TRP be used for recruitment in all the states, failing which no modernization grant would be extended to them. Over time, TRP became the norm. It is now an integral part of the SMART policing initiative.

In my second stint in the centre, I was fortunate to return to my previous force SSB as Inspector General Personnel and Training and will soon complete 5 years this year. There is so much work that has been done and is still being done in both personnel and training as we aspire to create a Brand SSB and reach an ideal state of zero grievances. I have an outstanding team and we have tried to raise the bar and move the goalpost in every endeavour we have been part of.

During the course of my narrative, as the editor breathes down my neck to hand in my article, I become conscious of the fact that I am being asked to contribute as a lady officer. To be honest, there have been very few occasions in my career that I have thought of myself as a lady officer. The work I have done reflects my ethos as an IPS Officer, not as a lady IPS officer. I feel happy in knowing that the respect I have gained is purely attributable to the hard work I have put in and the quality I have endeavoured to produce. Writing an article talking about work life balance somewhere trivializes both work and home and somehow suggests that work and life are two different things. I have juggled my commitments, availed of maternity leave, child care leave as was required and still take care of my parents and children while being a confirmed workaholic and perfectionist. But why would anyone be interested? I made this choice and there is a price to pay for every choice that we make. I was and am willing to pay that price.

Suffice it to say that I came into the man’s world of policing 28 years ago. A world where bullet proof vests and body protectors are made for flat chested individuals, barracks presuppose that concepts of privacy for men and women personnel do not differ, a world where women personnel do not drink water for a day before a law and order duty because there is no place to relieve herself while on duty, where women who do not form part of the boys clubs are uncomfortable to be around, where toughness means male and sensitivity means female.

I, on my part, have tried to change the conditions for others less fortunate than me, where I work. SSB has an overall strength of 2.36% female representation, which will reach 5% by 2020. In all future recruitments we will be providing horizontal reservation of 15%. We were the first border guarding force to deploy women personnel on active combat duty. We started out with 7 Battalions in 2007 and will touch 28 Battalions by 2019. Increasing numbers is the first step to normalize the situation. The question is are we ready for the numbers, or not? I did a detailed study on ‘Creating a gender sensitive and gender friendly infrastructure ‘ for the National Conference for Women Police and presented it before policewomen and men from all over the country. This was documented and given as a set of recommendations to the Ministry of Home Affairs. The issues raised were then taken up in Parliament and soon enough the recommendations of the report were sent to all organisations for compliance. A few years down the line, we should see a change in procurement patterns as well as encounter heightened sensitivity to the need to provide equal opportunities for growth to both women and men. In times to come, the Forces will not only be manpower ready but also womanpower ready and I am fortunate to have had a role to play in it.

To reduce 28 years of service to 7 pages does not do justice to either the effort or the years of service. So I will not profess to have done so. I have done all that a cop is expected to do, trained to do and mandated to do. I have tried to find happiness in the smallest of successes and grieved with my ilk as I lent my shoulder to the hearses of those who have made ultimate sacrifices. I have been touched by kindness and inspired by the strength of character that I have encountered in people I have met along my journey. I have not dropped the baton. I will carry it to the finishing line.

Can we break out of the menopause...

Can we break out of the menopause...

14 February 2019

Valentine's day turns bloody red

But this time its not the roses

40 uniformed sons of the soil

Made the supreme sacrifice

Pulwama became a household name

The nation surged with emotion

Sadness.

26 Dec 1999

IC 814 was hijacked

The longest 5 days of waiting

Passengers released

The nation heaves in emotion

Relief.

In barter

Maulana Masood Azhar set free

He creates Jaish-e-Muhammad

And gets down to work..

13 Dec 2001 Parliament attack

26 Nov 2008 Mumbai attack,

2 Jan 2016 Pathankot attack

14 Feb 2019 Pulwama attack

A full circle

This is the monster we unleashed.

The nation erupts in emotion.

Anger.

26 Feb 2019 Balakot

India strikes back

Externally claim pre emptive self defense

Internally boast of revenge, retribution

Patriotism touches the sky in emotion

Jubilation and Jai Hind.

28 Feb 2019 LOC (Line out of control)

They came in swarms

To show they could

We chased them out

And showed we could

They hit We hit

We hit They hit

They bailed We bailed

They lynched

Their own and Our own.

Both.

Both were Wing Commanders

Both were sons of Air Marshals

Theirs succumbed. Ours survived.

A video, then another and another surfaced.

The people of India rose and fell in emotion.

Rage, relief, melt down, relief, rage

in waves.

28 Feb 2019

Their PM waves the white flag

Offers Abhinandan

As barter for peace, he says externally

For survival, they clarify internally

India applauds in emotion.

Exhilaration. Appreciation.

1 March 2019

Morning

Wake up to a new day

Waiting for them

To walk their talk

The day extends indefinitely

Excruciating..

Bharat dabbles in emotion.

Attitude. Desperation. Fear. Disgust.

1 March 2019

Night

A ramrod straight Abhinandan

walks out of their land

And into his own. Free.

The country surges with emotion

Tears of Happiness.

India has gone through upheavals

Extreme mood swings

The media has ensured that

Nobody has been spared

From cold pangs to hot flushes

From red rage to serene white calm

From delirious happiness to depressing sadness

From chest beating bravado to knock kneed fear

We have seen it all, we have lived it all

We are going through a menopause.

We react.

We need to respond.

We need to learn from the very best.

Abhinandan, the man who exemplified how

To maintain composure in times of adversity

Abhinandan, also the adrenalin pumped Wing Commander who in hot pursuit

Crossed the line no longer in control

And won the MIG21/F16 match.

So after the UPS and the Downs

Amidst the rights and the lefts

We settle down in emotion.

Exhaustion. Apprehension.

Hoping that all references

to the escalation of a pilot project

Are purely electional in nature...

We will. We will.

Plug our ears and carry on.

Tomorrow's a new day.

We are over 70 now

Can we not break out of our menopause?

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